Jewish Graveside: What to Expect

While many people tend to assume a funeral to be little more than prayers and eulogies, there are often services that can involve more ritual and action from the mourners attending. Some of these differences come from the locale, but generally the variations in funeral services is influenced by religion and faith.

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General Gravesides

A Jewish funeral will take place as soon after death as possible. Traditionally, the day after death-- though nowadays, grace tends to be given to allow for family/friends to arrive to town and for proper services to be planned. Many of them believe the spirit lingers with the body until disposition, so the sooner the burial takes place, the better. But there is no public viewing/visitation for the deceased, and they are buried unembalmed in a basic wooden casket to leave them as natural as possible.

There is typically a memorial service before the burial which consists of ceremonial acts of song, tearing of black ribbons, and other aspects depending on the area hosting the service. Local culture can also affect the rituals for the graveside service. It will begin with the Rabbi leading in prayer and song. In my area, the casket and family will follow behind the Rabbi with other mourners at the back. Every so often in the song, the Rabbi will pause in walking to the graveside as they guide the group. These pauses are meant to represent the mourner's hesitation to let their loved one go.

Once at the graveside with the casket in place, there is group prayer along with the Mourner's Kaddish (usually in both English and Hebrew). A brief eulogy might be given, depending on if they had a memorial service or not. Then the casket is lowered and family members will shovel some dirt onto the casket; other mourners might be invited to shovel dirt as well. In my area, the shoveling involves the extra ceremonial aspect of scooping the dirt with the back of the shovel-- this is once again meant to represent reluctance to let the loved one go, yet still they help.

The congregation is then generally invited to a celebration of life at the house of the family of the deceased. There the shiva candle is lit to mark the mourning period. Jewish services are meant to be fairly brief.

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Good Bits to Know

When someone passes away, it's a standard nicety to send flowers to the family or buy flowers for the funeral service-- but with the Jewish faith, that is a bit of a faux pas. You should find some way to make a tribute to the deceased, and many families suggest making donations to charities or organizations the deceased liked. Flowers are also not typically left at the grave. Instead, you will see people leaving small stones, the representation of which tends to vary. The stone can represent protection, act as an anchor in our world for the spirit to visit, and is a gift that won't wilt like flowers and thus is a permanent token of love.

For the service's attire, traditional dark clothes are expected (as is modesty, but not in an overly-conservative manner). And depending on the family (or the area), even those not of the Jewish faith may be welcomed to wear a yarmulke during the service-- however they are only for men to wear.

While all of this information can help provide a general expectation for a Jewish graveside service, there may be more or fewer aspects that take place depending on the region the service takes place in.